Someone left a bag of cherries open in the freezer, and it leaked an unseemly red fluid throughout the machine. Gem Arbogast and I cleaned the appliance’s internals, combatting a food safety disaster on par with Sizzle & Crunch. On wiping the asscrack of the fridge, Arbogast described the experience thusly:
“Ummm… 0 out of 10. The more cherry we cleaned up, the more there was. It just kept getting stickier.”
The Herculean deed of disposing of the fruit’s slimy guts evokes comparisons to the lesser, but similarly annoying task of slaying the hydra.
“I didn’t know my fridge had an asscrack,” Arbogast continued, “I could have gone my whole life not knowing my fridge had an asscrack.”
Whoever is responsible for this atrocity will be caught and duely prosecuted. I cannot help but consider the possibility of a mole within our ranks. Perhaps this was a publicity stunt for Arbogast’s upcoming single Cherry, recorded by their band Hardware Saint. The truth is out there, and we will find it.